By Danielle Ramos-
When things get rough, what do you do? When you are stressed, where does your mind go? How do you handle the the emotionally charged situations where you question every thought, action and motive of yourself as well as those closest to you?
Kris Vallotton often says that “feelings are great servants, but are terrible masters.” When I think about what that means, it seems extremely obvious. While I am calmly sitting here writing, I can logically deduce that being overly emotional and following every impulse that my feelings and emotions produce within me is not wise. But, as I stated, I am calm. I am sitting, detached, from any sort of stimuli that can produce anything to contribute to being emotional, let alone, overly emotional.
It is an entire different situation when I find myself in the middle of a heated discussion, where I am defending myself and my decisions. Now let me tell you that I am defending myself and my decisions to my husband, who is supposed to understand me and love me and support me and all the other amazing things television and the movies show you is the “norm.” Hollywood is a big influence on society’s mores, the culturally accepted norms. Unfortunately, what television and the movies portray is nothing compared to what happens in real life, with real people, with their own very real hurts.
I recently went through a situation where I felt lost. In hindsight it was a simple argument with a simple solution. However, conversely, in the moment with emotions running high and trying to rule over every other aspect, seeing the simple answers was quite a difficult task. My hurts and feelings were telling me things that I know were not true. As a Christian woman who understands her identity in Christ, I was very aware of what was Truth in those moments, while my feelings were trying to tell me something very different.
I had made a mistake with the finances and did not tell my husband. When we received a higher amount of money than we thought would be coming in, I scrambled to fix my mistake hoping my husband would not notice. And he did not notice, that is, until suddenly there was a chunk of money missing from our account. I finally came clean about everything and my husband was rightfully upset at not being kept in the loop. For me, on my end the discussion we then had began to be tainted with the pain of my past. In those moments I had thoughts that my husband no longer loved me, that I had messed up too big, and that he would leave me. I was believing a lie that I have fought for the majority of my life: that if I do not perform in a way that is desired from others, I am disposable and not worthy of love.
“Alone” by Siggi Ragnar
It seems silly to look back and see how I let something so minuscule jump into such a seemingly huge major issue. But in those moments I found myself doing something I have never done previously. Previously in a similar situation, I would push further jumping into actions that would at the very least make me unlikeable, like getting louder and pushing a discussion into an argument which would eventually lead me into name-calling or blame-shifting.
And even in that time with those thoughts pouring into my mind, fear beginning to rise with the thought that this would be the thing that would push my husband out of the door for good, I found myself, my spirit clinging to Jesus. I felt like the woman with the issue of blood in Luke chapter 8, thinking if I could just find His cloak, the hem, I will be alright. The enemy was bringing up previous situations in my mind so that I would relive those previous hurts, hoping that I would react to those previous situations. I knew if I did that, I would be reacting to something that was not even real, something that did not belong in this moment, in this situation, at all.
And the amazing thing that I truly realized was that I did not have to fight off these thoughts that felt like they were bombarding my mind. I realized I do not have to fight anything at all! As soon as I realized that I would be alright with Jesus, it was like He was suddenly there. And I was not just given the hem of a garment! No!, He had me in an embrace that was as warm as the sun, and as comforting as an embrace with Love Himself! Because that is exactly what I was experiencing! With Him I was sustained and whole throughout the whole time those thoughts were trying to overwhelm me. I was standing on solid ground, and rather than feeling like mind-bombs were going to explode and subsequently set me off, Jesus turned them into fireworks in celebration of new level of intimacy with Him.
onlyinyourstate.com Flickr/CJ Oliver
In the days since this situation Papa has brought to mind John 6, where Jesus is teaching of communion, but without understanding, basically all of His followers turn away. Jesus turns to see the 12 remaining and he asks them, “Are you going to leave?” And Peter responds, “‘Lord, to whom would we go?….” (John 6:68 NLT) For the longest time I read Peter’s response as slightly exasperated at the question. I mean the gospels tell of the disciples leaving everyone and everything. If they were to leave, I highly doubt their employers would still have jobs for them. Some of the 12 might not even have homes to go to any longer. So his response, to me, was always one of incredulity at being asked that, especially when Jesus had taught on leaving everything for Him, for the Kingdom.
What Papa has showed was that my perspective has changed so drastically. Although you reading this may not understand fully, and you will just have to take my word for it, but in those moments of that discussion, with those thoughts running through my mind, for one, turning to Jesus, but for two, not fighting the thoughts coming at me, as well as with my husband, was a huge personal victory. I had cling to Jesus rather than fight and I was alright; He turned the mind-bombs into something beautiful and celebratory rather than something scary to be feared. In that moment when I realized that I would be alright with Jesus no matter what my husband had decided about me, I had put everything and everyone in their correct, life-giving order. My husband was a promise-fulfilled from Papa, and in that moment, I was putting the Promise-maker (and Promise-keeper) above the promise itself. Exactly as it should be.
There was no condemnation for having these mixed up. There was no sadness in placing my husband where he needed to be. There was simply an embrace as warm as the sun and as comforting as an embrace with Love Himself. I was suddenly aware of the remainder the the verse in John 6:68 as well as the following verse: “Simon Peter replied, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God. ”” John 6:68-69 NLT.
Suddenly, Peter’s response was no longer incredulous in my mind, but, rather it was one said in humility in knowing that even, if I had anything else to turn to, none of it, nothing else matters. So back to the original question of “Where else am I supposed to go?” I can peacefully say nowhere. I am happily stuck in the only embrace I will ever need! Everything else is what He chooses to give me; everything else is icing on top of a cake made out of Love Himself!
**check out Danielle’s blog** https://experiencethroughmyeyesblog.com/2021/03/27/where-else-am-i-supposed-to-go/?fbclid=IwAR2SN_gLW6qeIdWbj-6qiFgxWXYh75CRnJp0K-DlzwsvkgiMP-U0uThgExY
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