-By Blakni Riley-
For longer than I care to admit, I found myself super jealous when I read posts and cute little quips about rainbow babies. Sometimes? I still struggle with it. Not because I’m not happy for my friends and even strangers to receive such a gift after enduring a horrendous loss, but because mine has never come.
When Kinley died, my soul was scraped raw. I decided to make it my personal mission to fix what I believed I had broken. We were going to have ourselves the illustrious rainbow baby that so many others raved about and rejoiced with.
Except. That’s not what happened.
Instead, we added two additional notches to our grief belt rather than arrows to our quiver. I was wrecked. Disillusioned, desperate, and despondent. I felt abandoned by the One I knew could make it happen because He created the heavens and the earth simply by speaking it into place. Surely He would rather be glorified through my songs of praise because of His whispered yes to life here instead of the resounding no’s He was handing out right and left!
Or so I thought.
His ways are not my ways. Nor are His thoughts my thoughts.
It was there, in the deepest sea of grief, with weights of what wasn’t coming clawing at my ankles to pull me under and take me out for good,
that I remembered.
The same God who was telling me no, also chose to remain silent when His own son begged for the cup to be taken from Him.
However.
With His answer of no, sin was broken. With His no, we were and are forgiven. Because of His no, death becomes life.
With an answer of no, hope still remains. I know it doesn’t always feel like it. That doesn’t change its ability to be truth. It’s what gives breath to new life. When you don’t think it’s possible, I promise you, it is. Let it anchor your soul. When the seas settle, you will wipe your eyes and see more clearly. He was there the whole time. He never leaves.
www.athousandthoughtsbyblakni.com
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